In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.