[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I think my mom just blocked me