[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today