You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes