DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My inexpensive home security system…
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really