[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.