I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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ME: finally a program for me
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
No chill.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.