You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
This headline is a thing of beauty