My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
listen closely
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My whole life was a lie.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here