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my mom making me talk to relatives
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
dutch so unserious
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.