Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]