You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and