I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
You Might Also Like
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
What the hell happened in there??
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.