Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Goat cheese is for herders.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.