Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”