I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?