If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.