THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?