If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I