*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I love the National Park Service.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.