With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip