Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
You Might Also Like
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Damn he played himself
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200