Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*