[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Mountain Goat : )
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
#Caturday
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing