ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.