Ion see the issue
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.