I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR