Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.