Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*