She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
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[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Mad Max Arctic Road
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
🤣🤣🤣