Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.