The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.