apparently this year was written by stephen king
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You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane