I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
You Might Also Like
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Bless you
Sex so good you see dead people.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Nice try Hitler
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage