Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.