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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Selfie
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this