Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You Might Also Like
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on