I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Never be a pizza!
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Breaking news:
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”