Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead