Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Happy Febuary everyone!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper