What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together