waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.