Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Science memes
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐