ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
You Might Also Like
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.