Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
inventing words: clothing
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Seems legit
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.