I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no