Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
You Might Also Like
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake