Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please