ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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Bike for sale
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Pretty much. 🤣
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.