Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
It be like that sometimes 😆
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.